Emotionally Absent, Mentally Present: How Early Detachment Follows Us into Love, Work & Parenting

 Mental Health> Neurodiversity> Relationship> Therapy

28/07/2025

Isaac Ahenkorah, Brain and Behavior Specialist, Counsellor, Therapist, Educator and author.

🔰 Introduction

Have you ever felt numb when you're supposed to feel love?
Or distant in a room full of people who care?
Or maybe you're successful in your career, but relationships always feel like a struggle?

If any of this sounds familiar, you might be carrying the invisible weight of early emotional detachment — something that starts in childhood and quietly grows into every area of adult life.
And the worst part? Most people don’t even know they’re carrying it.

Let’s talk about it — not in psychological jargon, but in real-life terms, so we can finally heal what we never got.

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👶🏽 What Is Early Emotional Detachment?

Emotional detachment in childhood happens when a child:

• Doesn’t feel emotionally safe, seen, or nurtured

• Is told to “stop crying,” “be strong,” or “grow up” too soon

• Is praised for achievements but not comforted during pain

• Is ignored emotionally, even in a house that looks "normal"

It’s not always abuse or trauma. Sometimes it’s silence, busyness, or parents doing their best but not knowing how to connect.

The child learns:

“My emotions don’t matter — so I’ll hide them.”

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🧠 The Neuroscience Behind It

A child’s emotional brain (limbic system) develops based on connection.
When consistent emotional warmth is missing, the brain builds defenses:

• Reduced empathy

• Suppressed emotional responses

• Overactive survival instincts (fight/flight/freeze)

• Difficulty forming deep trust or connection

This becomes the child’s emotional “default” — and they carry it unconsciously into adulthood.

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❤️ How It Affects Love & Marriage

Many emotionally detached adults:

• Fear vulnerability in relationships

• Overreact to closeness or “clinginess”

• Confuse emotional distance with independence

• Sabotage intimacy without knowing why

You might say “I love you,” but can’t really feel it.
You want deep connection, but when it shows up — you push it away.

And sadly, many partners feel unloved, even when you’re trying your best.

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💼 How It Affects Career & Business

In work or business, emotional detachment can show up as:

• Always being “on” and productive, but emotionally drained

• Fear of asking for help or showing weakness

• Working for approval rather than purpose

• Struggling to build emotional leadership or trust in teams

You become the boss, the achiever, the “strong one” — but inside, you’re tired, disconnected, and unsure why success still feels empty.

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👶🏽 How It Affects Parenting

The cycle repeats if we’re not aware.

Emotionally detached adults may:

• Struggle to comfort their children during emotional moments

• Tell kids to “be strong” instead of “I’m here with you”

• Feel guilty for not knowing how to emotionally connect

• Avoid talking about feelings altogether

The child grows up feeling like they have to “earn” love — just like you once did.

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🧭 So What Can You Do?

Emotional detachment is not your fault. It’s a defense — not a defect.
But awareness is power. Healing is possible. And connection can be learned.

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✅ Recommendations & Solutions

1. Start Naming What You Feel
   Journaling or voice-notes help reconnect your emotional self to your conscious self. Start with: “Right now I feel…”

2. Talk About Your Childhood — Even the Quiet Parts
   Reflect with a coach, therapist, or trusted friend. Understanding where it began breaks the illusion that “you’re just like this.”

3. Practice Vulnerable Communication in Safe Relationships
   Say: “I struggle to express how I feel, but I’m working on it.” That honesty builds intimacy more than perfection ever could.

4. Use Affirming Language with Your Own Kids or Inner Child
   Say what you wish someone told you:

   • “You’re allowed to feel sad.”

   • “I see you.”

   • “You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

5. Learn Co-regulation
   Emotional safety happens through others. Surround yourself with calm, emotionally available people — they help your nervous system learn safety again.

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🌱 Final Words

You are not emotionally broken.
You are emotionally armored — and you learned that armor when you were just trying to survive.

But now, you have the power to take it off — gently, piece by piece.

You can still love deeply.
You can still connect emotionally.
You can still be present — not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too.

And when you heal, your future relationships, your children, and your inner peace all get better.

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📎Contact Wealthmind Psychology for more mental health Resources   +233 248182542

 

Hijack Their Heart? How Dopamine Drives Desire in Love (And How You Can Use It Wisely)

🧠 Hijack Their Heart? How Dopamine Drives Desire in Love (And How You Can Use It Wisely)

Warning: This article might change how you approach love forever. If you've ever wondered why some people become "addicted" to their partner — or why the spark fades too soon — it has less to do with fate and more to do with… brain chemicals. Specifically: Dopamine.

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💡 What Is Dopamine — and Why Does It Matter in Love?

Dopamine is the brain’s “anticipation molecule”. It fires not when you receive pleasure — but when you're about to. It's the neurochemical behind motivation, craving, reward, and yes… falling hard for someone.

When you're in love, your brain doesn’t see a partner — it sees a source of dopamine release. Their texts. Their laugh. Their scent. Their mystery. It all builds anticipation — and the brain rewards that with dopamine.

In simple terms: Desire is a neurological game of delayed rewards.

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🔥 Psychological Dopamine Hacks That Trigger Attachment

Want to keep your boyfriend or girlfriend hooked and interested? Here's how to ethically leverage dopamine to deepen attraction — without manipulation, but with awareness:

1. ✨ Surprise is the secret sauce. Predictability kills dopamine. Try spontaneous messages, surprise dates, or shifting your routine. The brain loves novelty.
2. ⏳ Delay gratification. Don’t always reply immediately. Let the anticipation build. Intermittent rewards — like replying at intervals — boost dopamine loops (this is why social media is so addictive).
3. 💬 Use emotional storytelling. Share deep stories or childhood memories — this activates the brain’s emotional and cognitive bonding centers (dopamine + oxytocin).
4. 🌟 Be purpose-driven. Dopamine is tied to purpose. When your partner sees you striving for a vision, their brain wires you with progress and excitement — making you irresistible on a subconscious level.
5. 🧩 Leave some mystery. Don’t overshare everything at once. Leave space for questions. Curiosity triggers more dopamine than answers.

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🚫 What Not to Do

• Don’t use silence or jealousy as weapons — that triggers cortisol, not dopamine.
• Don’t fake attention or affection — people feel inauthentic patterns neurologically, even if they can't explain it.
• Don’t make them chase forever — reward consistency too. Balanced dopamine leads to long-term bonding.

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🧠 Real Talk: Influence Without Manipulation

This isn’t about control. It’s about conscious emotional influence. Understanding how dopamine works helps you nurture healthy attraction, intimacy, and intrigue.

The best relationships aren’t built on tricks — but on awareness. When you understand the brain, you love smarter. You bond deeper. And you stop losing good connections because you misunderstood how emotional energy works.

So no — you don’t need to manipulate them. You need to activate their curiosity, reward their attention, and protect the mystery. That’s chemistry. That’s love — wired right.

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💔 Disappointment: Understanding Its Roots, Impact, and Healing Path

 Mental Health> Neurodiversity> Relationship> Therapy

15/07/2025

Isaac Ahenkorah, Neuropsychologist, Counsellor, Therapist, Educator and author.

Image by Elevoramasterywealth

From Childhood Neglect to Adult Emotional Resilience

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🧠 Introduction: Why Does Disappointment Hurt So Much?

Have you ever felt crushed by a small “no”? Or triggered by silence when you expected a reply?
That sinking feeling isn’t always about what just happened — it’s often about what happened years ago.

Disappointment is more than a letdown. For many, it’s a reawakening of wounds formed in childhood:

• Not being chosen

• Being unheard

• Being dismissed or forgotten

• Or being told: “You expect too much.”

In psychology and neuroscience, we now understand that disappointment — especially if chronic or tied to early relational trauma — can become a core emotional injury that shapes the way we trust, cope, and love.

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👶 The Roots: Disappointment in Childhood

1. Neglect and Inconsistent Love

Children who grow up in homes where love was conditional, inconsistent, or absent often develop a hyper-sensitivity to letdowns.
When a caregiver routinely says “maybe later” but rarely follows through, the child doesn’t just learn disappointment — they learn that hope is dangerous.

2. Emotional Invalidations

When children express needs or dreams and are met with:

• “That’s silly.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “Get over it.”

…they internalize the belief that expecting anything from others is unsafe.

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🧠 What Neuroscience Tells Us:

• The amygdala (our brain’s fear center) becomes overactive in individuals with repeated disappointment and rejection in childhood

• Oxytocin systems — responsible for trust and bonding — may develop poorly in neglectful environments

• Neural pruning during adolescence may actually “cut away” optimism pathways if hope has been repeatedly met with pain

This means that by adulthood, some people aren’t just disappointed by life — they’re wired to expect disappointment.

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🧓 Adulthood: When Disappointment Becomes a Pattern

1. Emotional Triggers

An ignored message or cancelled plan might hit harder than it “should” — not because we’re overreacting, but because it reignites an old neural memory of being left behind.

2. Fear of Expecting Too Much

Adults who grew up with disappointment often:

• Struggle to set boundaries

• Downplay their own needs

• “Pre-disappoint” themselves by expecting failure in relationships or dreams

This is known in psychology as learned helplessness or protective pessimism.

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💔 Real-Life Example:

Marcus, 42, shares:

“I can’t even ask my wife to plan a weekend for us because I feel like I’m asking too much. Growing up, every time I asked for something, I was told I was selfish or needy. Now, I just tell myself not to hope — because hoping feels like setting myself up for pain.”

Marcus isn’t alone. Many adults carry the weight of childhood unmet needs, mistaking it for personality or weakness — when really, it’s old emotional wiring.

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🌱 How to Heal: Rewiring the Brain and Rebuilding Trust

✅ 1. Name the Pattern

Awareness is step one. Instead of just saying “I feel bad,” try:

“This feels like old disappointment. I’ve felt this before. It’s not just about today.”

This activates the prefrontal cortex, which regulates the emotional brain.

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✅ 2. Rebuild Safe Expectations

Start small:

• Ask for something minor from someone you trust

• Celebrate when they follow through

• Remind your brain: “Not every hope ends in pain.”

This repetition restores dopamine-based trust systems in the brain.

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✅ 3. Practice Self-Compassion Instead of Self-Blame

Disappointment isn’t weakness. It’s a sign you dared to care.

Neuroscientific studies show that self-compassion activates the same brain areas as receiving support from others — it heals emotional pain.

Try saying:

“It’s okay that I’m hurting. I expected something, and it mattered.”

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✅ 4. Therapeutic Reprocessing

Therapies like:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• IFS (Internal Family Systems)

• Compassion-Focused Therapy

…help “revisit” early memories of disappointment and release their hold.

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🕯️ A Final Word: Disappointment Means You Still Have Hope

If disappointment hurts, it’s because you believe in the possibility of good.

That’s not weakness — it’s proof that your spirit hasn’t given up.

Healing isn’t about becoming immune to letdowns.
It’s about building enough inner strength to say:

“Even if I fall short, or others let me down, I will rise again — because I believe in the light I deserve.”

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📎Contact Wealthmind Psychology for more mental health Resources   +233 248182542

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Depression and Its Silent Impact on Marriage.

Mental Health> Neurodiversity> Relationship> Therapy

14/07/2025

Isaac Ahenkorah, Neuropsychologist, Counsellor, Therapist, Educator and author.

“If you’re walking through the dark fog of depression — either in your own mind or in your partner’s — please know this: You are not broken, and neither is your relationship. You are simply human, navigating one of life’s deepest valleys.

Depression may distort thoughts, numb feelings, and cloud connection — but it does not erase love, nor does it define your worth.

Healing begins with small moments: one breath, one kind word, one honest conversation. With the right support — therapy, neuroscience-backed tools, and compassionate patience — the mind can heal, and so can the bond between two people.

There is light at the end of this tunnel. And sometimes, the greatest love stories are the ones that survive the shadows together — not because they were easy, but because both hearts refused to give up.

💡 You are not alone. You are not helpless. There is help, there is hope, and there is healing ahead.” - Isaac Ahenkorah.

(How One Partner’s Internal War Becomes the Couple’s Shared Burden)

💬 Introduction

At first, you think it's stress. A rough patch. Something they'll “snap out of.”
But as weeks turn into months, your spouse retreats into silence, irritability, or even hopelessness.
You’re still there — cooking dinner, cracking jokes, initiating conversations — but it’s like shouting across a canyon. They nod, smile faintly… and disappear again.

This is what depression in a marriage can feel like — a quiet collapse beneath the surface of what looks like a functioning relationship.

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🧠 The Neuroscience of Disconnection

Depression is not just sadness — it's a neurochemical and cognitive shift. Brain scans of individuals with clinical depression show:

• Reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex, affecting reasoning, empathy, and communication

• Overactivation of the amygdala, triggering chronic fear, emotional withdrawal, and reactivity

• Low serotonin and dopamine levels, which blunt motivation, joy, and connection

These changes don’t just affect the person who is depressed — they restructure the entire relationship dynamic.

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💔 Real-World Experience: When Love Isn’t Enough

Sarah, 35, describes living with her husband’s undiagnosed depression:

“At first I thought he was just tired. Then came the mood swings. He stopped talking about his dreams, he stopped laughing at the shows we used to binge. Eventually, I felt like I was married to a ghost. And when I tried to help, he pushed me away harder.”

What Sarah felt is common: a sense of emotional abandonment, followed by confusion, guilt, and resentment. The supporting partner often becomes the “functional glue” holding the household together — until they burn out.

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🧠 Psychological Dynamics at Play

1. Emotional Contagion

Neuroscientific studies show that emotions are contagious — when one partner suffers chronically, the other’s brain also begins to show elevated stress markers (e.g., cortisol spikes, mirror neuron fatigue).

2. Attachment Injuries

A depressed spouse may withdraw or become irritable. Over time, the other partner experiences this as rejection or inconsistency, leading to fear-based attachment behaviors: clinginess, coldness, or conflict.

3. Cognitive Dissonance

Partners begin questioning the relationship:

• “Do they still love me?”

• “Am I doing something wrong?”

• “Is this who I married?”

These thoughts amplify emotional distance, even if both partners still care deeply.

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🛠️ Tools for Navigating This Storm

✅ 1. Name the Enemy Together

It’s not “you vs. me” — it’s “us vs. the depression”. Shifting the narrative helps reduce blame and fosters empathy.

✅ 2. Couples Therapy with Mental Health Literacy

Find a therapist trained in integrative psychology who understands both relational and clinical models.
Look for modalities like:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

• Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy (CBCT)

✅ 3. Neurological Reset Tools

Daily routines that re-engage brain reward systems can support healing:

• Morning walks (boost BDNF & dopamine)

• Shared novelty (new experiences increase oxytocin)

• Gratitude journaling (increases left-prefrontal activity)

✅ 4. Medication + Meaning

If appropriate, medication (e.g., SSRIs) can lift the neurochemical weight just enough to restore communication. But always combine this with meaning-making and relationship repair.

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💡 Final Thoughts: Love Is Resilient, But It Needs Tools

Depression doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed — but it does mean your marriage needs new strategies, language, and support.
Think of it not as a failing — but as an opportunity to grow your relationship's depth, patience, and psychological strength.

Healing starts not just in the mind, but in the space between two minds willing to hold each other gently — even when things feel heavy.

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📎Contact Wealthmind Psychology for more mental health Resources   +233 248182542