Mental Health> Neurodiversity> Relationship> Therapy
15/07/2025
Isaac Ahenkorah, Neuropsychologist, Counsellor, Therapist, Educator and author.
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| Image by Elevoramasterywealth |
From Childhood Neglect to Adult Emotional Resilience
🧠 Introduction: Why Does Disappointment Hurt So Much?
Have you ever felt crushed by a small “no”? Or triggered by silence when you expected a reply?
That sinking feeling isn’t always about what just happened — it’s often about what happened years ago.
Disappointment is more than a letdown. For many, it’s a reawakening of wounds formed in childhood:
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Not being chosen
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Being unheard
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Being dismissed or forgotten
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Or being told: “You expect too much.”
In psychology and neuroscience, we now understand that disappointment — especially if chronic or tied to early relational trauma — can become a core emotional injury that shapes the way we trust, cope, and love.
👶 The Roots: Disappointment in Childhood
1. Neglect and Inconsistent Love
Children who grow up in homes where love was conditional, inconsistent, or absent often develop a hyper-sensitivity to letdowns.
When a caregiver routinely says “maybe later” but rarely follows through, the child doesn’t just learn disappointment — they learn that hope is dangerous.
2. Emotional Invalidations
When children express needs or dreams and are met with:
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“That’s silly.”
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“You’re too sensitive.”
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“Get over it.”
…they internalize the belief that expecting anything from others is unsafe.
🧠 What Neuroscience Tells Us:
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The amygdala (our brain’s fear center) becomes overactive in individuals with repeated disappointment and rejection in childhood
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Oxytocin systems — responsible for trust and bonding — may develop poorly in neglectful environments
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Neural pruning during adolescence may actually “cut away” optimism pathways if hope has been repeatedly met with pain
This means that by adulthood, some people aren’t just disappointed by life — they’re wired to expect disappointment.
🧓 Adulthood: When Disappointment Becomes a Pattern
1. Emotional Triggers
An ignored message or cancelled plan might hit harder than it “should” — not because we’re overreacting, but because it reignites an old neural memory of being left behind.
2. Fear of Expecting Too Much
Adults who grew up with disappointment often:
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Struggle to set boundaries
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Downplay their own needs
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“Pre-disappoint” themselves by expecting failure in relationships or dreams
This is known in psychology as learned helplessness or protective pessimism.
💔 Real-Life Example:
Marcus, 42, shares:
“I can’t even ask my wife to plan a weekend for us because I feel like I’m asking too much. Growing up, every time I asked for something, I was told I was selfish or needy. Now, I just tell myself not to hope — because hoping feels like setting myself up for pain.”
Marcus isn’t alone. Many adults carry the weight of childhood unmet needs, mistaking it for personality or weakness — when really, it’s old emotional wiring.
🌱 How to Heal: Rewiring the Brain and Rebuilding Trust
✅ 1. Name the Pattern
Awareness is step one. Instead of just saying “I feel bad,” try:
“This feels like old disappointment. I’ve felt this before. It’s not just about today.”
This activates the prefrontal cortex, which regulates the emotional brain.
✅ 2. Rebuild Safe Expectations
Start small:
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Ask for something minor from someone you trust
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Celebrate when they follow through
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Remind your brain: “Not every hope ends in pain.”
This repetition restores dopamine-based trust systems in the brain.
✅ 3. Practice Self-Compassion Instead of Self-Blame
Disappointment isn’t weakness. It’s a sign you dared to care.
Neuroscientific studies show that self-compassion activates the same brain areas as receiving support from others — it heals emotional pain.
Try saying:
“It’s okay that I’m hurting. I expected something, and it mattered.”
✅ 4. Therapeutic Reprocessing
Therapies like:
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EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
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IFS (Internal Family Systems)
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Compassion-Focused Therapy
…help “revisit” early memories of disappointment and release their hold.
🕯️ A Final Word: Disappointment Means You Still Have Hope
If disappointment hurts, it’s because you believe in the possibility of good.
That’s not weakness — it’s proof that your spirit hasn’t given up.
Healing isn’t about becoming immune to letdowns.
It’s about building enough inner strength to say:
“Even if I fall short, or others let me down, I will rise again — because I believe in the light I deserve.”
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