Mental Health> Neurodiversity> Relationship> Therapy
14/07/2025
Isaac Ahenkorah, Neuropsychologist, Counsellor, Therapist, Educator and author.
“If you’re walking through the dark fog of depression — either in your own mind or in your partner’s — please know this: You are not broken, and neither is your relationship. You are simply human, navigating one of life’s deepest valleys.
Depression may distort thoughts, numb feelings, and cloud connection — but it does not erase love, nor does it define your worth.
Healing begins with small moments: one breath, one kind word, one honest conversation. With the right support — therapy, neuroscience-backed tools, and compassionate patience — the mind can heal, and so can the bond between two people.
There is light at the end of this tunnel. And sometimes, the greatest love stories are the ones that survive the shadows together — not because they were easy, but because both hearts refused to give up.
💡 You are not alone. You are not helpless. There is help, there is hope, and there is healing ahead.” - Isaac Ahenkorah.
💬 Introduction
At first, you think it's stress. A rough patch. Something they'll “snap out of.”
But as weeks turn into months, your spouse retreats into silence, irritability, or even hopelessness.
You’re still there — cooking dinner, cracking jokes, initiating conversations — but it’s like shouting across a canyon. They nod, smile faintly… and disappear again.
This is what depression in a marriage can feel like — a quiet collapse beneath the surface of what looks like a functioning relationship.
🧠 The Neuroscience of Disconnection
Depression is not just sadness — it's a neurochemical and cognitive shift. Brain scans of individuals with clinical depression show:
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Reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex, affecting reasoning, empathy, and communication
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Overactivation of the amygdala, triggering chronic fear, emotional withdrawal, and reactivity
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Low serotonin and dopamine levels, which blunt motivation, joy, and connection
These changes don’t just affect the person who is depressed — they restructure the entire relationship dynamic.
💔 Real-World Experience: When Love Isn’t Enough
Sarah, 35, describes living with her husband’s undiagnosed depression:
“At first I thought he was just tired. Then came the mood swings. He stopped talking about his dreams, he stopped laughing at the shows we used to binge. Eventually, I felt like I was married to a ghost. And when I tried to help, he pushed me away harder.”
What Sarah felt is common: a sense of emotional abandonment, followed by confusion, guilt, and resentment. The supporting partner often becomes the “functional glue” holding the household together — until they burn out.
🧠 Psychological Dynamics at Play
1. Emotional Contagion
Neuroscientific studies show that emotions are contagious — when one partner suffers chronically, the other’s brain also begins to show elevated stress markers (e.g., cortisol spikes, mirror neuron fatigue).
2. Attachment Injuries
A depressed spouse may withdraw or become irritable. Over time, the other partner experiences this as rejection or inconsistency, leading to fear-based attachment behaviors: clinginess, coldness, or conflict.
3. Cognitive Dissonance
Partners begin questioning the relationship:
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“Do they still love me?”
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“Am I doing something wrong?”
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“Is this who I married?”
These thoughts amplify emotional distance, even if both partners still care deeply.
🛠️ Tools for Navigating This Storm
✅ 1. Name the Enemy Together
It’s not “you vs. me” — it’s “us vs. the depression”. Shifting the narrative helps reduce blame and fosters empathy.
✅ 2. Couples Therapy with Mental Health Literacy
Find a therapist trained in integrative psychology who understands both relational and clinical models.
Look for modalities like:
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Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
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Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy (CBCT)
✅ 3. Neurological Reset Tools
Daily routines that re-engage brain reward systems can support healing:
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Morning walks (boost BDNF & dopamine)
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Shared novelty (new experiences increase oxytocin)
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Gratitude journaling (increases left-prefrontal activity)
✅ 4. Medication + Meaning
If appropriate, medication (e.g., SSRIs) can lift the neurochemical weight just enough to restore communication. But always combine this with meaning-making and relationship repair.
💡 Final Thoughts: Love Is Resilient, But It Needs Tools
Depression doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed — but it does mean your marriage needs new strategies, language, and support.
Think of it not as a failing — but as an opportunity to grow your relationship's depth, patience, and psychological strength.
Healing starts not just in the mind, but in the space between two minds willing to hold each other gently — even when things feel heavy.
Great and educative
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